Running Away From Reality

hi friends, it's been a long time since i've last blogged. Reason? The title above.

First, it was due to time spend with my baby. knowing he's going to leave again, i just had to spend more time with him. That didn't leave much time for my work, let alone other things. I've neglected many other aspects as well. Which i hope will be forgiven.

Then, he was not around and i was in a daze. First time that we're not spending 24h/day with each other. As usual, if you were scroll through all my past blogs, i've been going thru' the 'break-up' sequence again. So i've been given hell to him. We had the biggest argument/misunderstanding ever the 1st weekend he was there. The days after had been hellish.

why? I tried to get things back to the way they were but he wasn't trying to help. Then i felt insecure after getting such cold, polite, superficial chats with him. Then another incident happened. The 2nd weekend, he went to dinner/drinking til 3am. He didn't answer the calls or sms, said his hp faulty(which is, of coz) and shut down after a while. Well, redeeming fact is that he called me once he was back in his hotel. We had a good talk and things were okay again.

But everytime he would change into the devil the next day. I would complain the same night and things were okay again. it's been pretty much like that. it's been tiring for him yes. It's been tiring for me to go thru' the same shit too. haiz.. so many bad words here.. censor censor..

Anyway, Why am i like this? coz he's not as attentive or caring as the last few times he's been there. He used to walk long distances in the cold winter along narrow sidewalks to get to the public phone to call me using the Worldcard(spent like $200?). Now he's even complaining about making phone calls on his hp. haiz.. always he's busy. always irritated tone.

Well, dor mentioned that i've been selfish not thinking for him. coz he's overseas working so hard and i've not been supportive. well, i agree with it lor. i've not been lor. i fell guilty. but yet at the same time, i seek the affection that i use to get from him. so it's been a tough time. and i've been running away from it. thus no news all these while.

Also, i've just started to attend the Life in the Spirit Seminiar (LiSS) which is in Risen Christ church(Toa payoh) which i must thank dor for letting me know. It's started off something which has reconnected me to God. It's the first time i've been so touched by God.

I'm a person who gets hurt easily thus tend to back off or act cool when someone is not so responsive. Thus i actually felt love for everyone around the very next day in school. It was amazing. Then i had my first long talk with God, i cried and cried asking for forgivness for being away from him for so long.

Now that i think about it. I've been very blessed and protected. how? When i'm on the roads, I sensed alot of times i've escaped from would-be accidents. You know the times when you sense like you're gonna be hurt, then hey, all clear leh. okay leh. Phiew. Well, i believe those are the time he was protecting me. That is the biggest love of all. Unconditional love regardless of all the things you've done wrongly. Even though i've stopped praying to him and dun even think of him and even critised him, he was there for me.