Yup. That's what i've been doing. Since school started, i've been driving aimlessly even more often. Infact, everyday (well, it's been only 4 days since school reopened). Even when i met up with uncle for a drink, we drove east towards Fishermen's Village at Pasir Ris. Everytime i will somehow end up driving along that road behind the airport towards Changi Village and back to ECP. Distant driving is nothing to me now. Not much alertness is needed, just dazing and driving.
I'm craving alone time more than ever. I now detest company. Sorry to say, but i even hesitated when uncle asked me out for drink last Wednesday. I've been looking forward to another drive by myself the whole day. That's the same thoughts everyday when i teach. I just look forward to the end of the day, when i'm done with my duties and can daze by myself again. It's scary. I'm starting to be a 'lao chu nu' (old spinster).
I'm feeling much better nowadays. I'm still unable to do much work. It didn't help when i dreamt of him on the first day of school. That's what sparked off the driving after school thingy. Maybe i've been pushing aside thoughts of anything related to him and that i've been trying to erase the memories of him. Also, likely cause the usual half yearly trip didn't happen. My heart maybe saying "Enough of ignorance. I miss him."
We were having the happiest time together. Travelling in Malaysia in a bus. Exploring places as usual. Enjoying each other's company. He took care of me and showed alot of love, care and concern. He still wanted me very much. They are all just dreams. Dreams that made me so wistful. I had to wake up to reality and head to school with those lingering emotions. Thus the driving. It's my way of handling all the feelings bottle up inside.
Another way of handling is shopping, and i've been bursting my credit cards' limits by spending and spending on beautifying stuffs. Clothings, accessories, cosmetics, skin care and shoes. It's just a process but it's scaring me how my mental budget for things have gone up. And i've been wanting to do all the stuffs alone by myself. I don't care for other people's comments or opinions anymore. Scary, right?
If i've not accidentally headed towards Changi Beach again, i would be singing karoke right now by myself too. Well, i did stop by the Shenton Way branch but then it was full til 11pm and i do have to work tomorrow. So, i took that as a sign i should head home and sort of did. Alot of traffic then, so i took many detours to go home. Excuses i think, i was actually passing by a few branches of Party World. I didn't stop and try again. Thought of running to get it out of my system but then was almost 11pm, so i didn't. So i'm home now typing these out.
It's a way of venting out all my frustrations. This is the public version. The private version is in a thin notebook i bought in bintan. My inner most feelings, thoughts all out in that. Thought it would help, but it didn't.
I admit one of the reason why i'm still trying to look good is to hook a good fellow. I do look around and take note of people around me now, but i am disappointed to find most guys i see on the street with a partner or highly possibly gay (cause they are with another good looking guy). The attention i've been getting are from overaged men or the uglies. Even though i'm looking and assessing every guy i see, i'm not ready to start a new relationship. No matter how much i think i should be with one, i can't because i know he would be a rebound. Also, i can't trust any good guy right now. I'm also emotionally unstable and unable to handle a relationship too.
I'm shy also, even if a good fellow do drop on my lap, i would probably play it cool and turn the guy off. Sometimes i get a look from good looking guys but then my low self esteem says that he's just looking at me cause there's something wrong with me (i'm ugly enough for the partner not to mind?? hee..)and that basically guys would look at any women who's alone by herself.
Well, everytime that happens i will look away and act uninterested. I am half hearted lah. Want but then don't want also. How to know the guy is good or not? Well, i have to figure out the way to find out before i can start anything. My judgement of people sucks big time. I'm still a carpet to a lot of people who are good at reading others. They know i'm easy. I help my enemies even after numerious betrayals, fallouts and brushoffs. See, easy right?
It would take a long, long time. Meanwhile i pray for peace and the ability to refocus on work and other aspects of life. Those as mentioned by my two good friends, dor and uncle. Hard work to do that. Still trying to find my feet to stand up again after the bad fall.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Shape Run 2007
I've just signed up for the Shapes Run 2007. Cause i heard it's a really good deal. The registration is free (as in you use it to subscribe to 6months of their magazine). Also the freebees are really good. Check out the website yourselves. I can't really copy coz of copyright laws lah.
Nike top, nice sports bag and alot of other stuff. See the Gifts&Prizes section.
http://www.shape.com.sg
There's a choice of either 5km or 10km run. Of cause i've chosen the 5km one. Even though it's half-marathon, there are still 10 prizes for the top 10 runners (i'm not aiming lah but just in case hehe..)
You can choose to pay $20 for just the run OR pay $30 for the run and 6mths subscription of the SHAPE magazine (about $5 per issue and the run is free!).
Well, should anybody be interested, let me know, k?
Nike top, nice sports bag and alot of other stuff. See the Gifts&Prizes section.
http://www.shape.com.sg
There's a choice of either 5km or 10km run. Of cause i've chosen the 5km one. Even though it's half-marathon, there are still 10 prizes for the top 10 runners (i'm not aiming lah but just in case hehe..)
You can choose to pay $20 for just the run OR pay $30 for the run and 6mths subscription of the SHAPE magazine (about $5 per issue and the run is free!).
Well, should anybody be interested, let me know, k?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
My Love Style
(Taken from carolyn's blog-interesting leh hee..)
Are you Giving or Taking?
You are Taking. In relationships you tend to be more of a taker than a giver. This does not refer specifically to money, but also to less tangible things like your time, your help and your emotional support. You'll be best-matched with someone who's opposite to you in this respect, so look for someone who's a Giver if you want a happy life. You're best matched with a Giver.
Are you Committed or Free?
You are Committed. You have a tendency to seek a relationship that is close, intimate and exclusive. This can be a beautiful thing, but you should avoid making it too clinging or possessive. Committed people like yourself are likely to be happiest with a partner who is also Committed. You're best matched with another Committed person.
Are you a Boss or a Slave?
You are Boss. Your result indicates that you prefer to be the dominant partner in your relationship. The boss role in sex is often a reflection of this position in general life, but there are always exceptions. Some people who are tyrants in the office come home and submit totally to their partners. As a boss, you'll be happiest in a relationship with someone who is your opposite. Every boss needs a slave. You're best matched with a Slave.
Are you Quiet or Exciting?
You are Exciting. You're someone who likes plenty of hustle, bustle and excitement going on around you. Since this might be very trying to a partner who is not so enthused, you'll be better off with someone who's like you. You're best matched with another Exciting person.
Your Love Style is Taking - Committed - Boss - Exciting.
You are likely to be most compatible with someone whose Love Style is Giving - Committed - Slave - Exciting.
Available at http://www.lovemonitor.com/
Are you Giving or Taking?
You are Taking. In relationships you tend to be more of a taker than a giver. This does not refer specifically to money, but also to less tangible things like your time, your help and your emotional support. You'll be best-matched with someone who's opposite to you in this respect, so look for someone who's a Giver if you want a happy life. You're best matched with a Giver.
Are you Committed or Free?
You are Committed. You have a tendency to seek a relationship that is close, intimate and exclusive. This can be a beautiful thing, but you should avoid making it too clinging or possessive. Committed people like yourself are likely to be happiest with a partner who is also Committed. You're best matched with another Committed person.
Are you a Boss or a Slave?
You are Boss. Your result indicates that you prefer to be the dominant partner in your relationship. The boss role in sex is often a reflection of this position in general life, but there are always exceptions. Some people who are tyrants in the office come home and submit totally to their partners. As a boss, you'll be happiest in a relationship with someone who is your opposite. Every boss needs a slave. You're best matched with a Slave.
Are you Quiet or Exciting?
You are Exciting. You're someone who likes plenty of hustle, bustle and excitement going on around you. Since this might be very trying to a partner who is not so enthused, you'll be better off with someone who's like you. You're best matched with another Exciting person.
Your Love Style is Taking - Committed - Boss - Exciting.
You are likely to be most compatible with someone whose Love Style is Giving - Committed - Slave - Exciting.
Available at http://www.lovemonitor.com/
Saturday, June 23, 2007
My 100th Post!!!
To celebrate my 100th Post, I've create a new blog for storing photos that i've taken. The need arises from my purchase of the Sony 8.2mpix camera. I've now whole lot of photos and i do not know how to share or pass it to the respective people.
Tell you a secret..it's only after creating the new blog then i found out this is my 100th post! hehe..
I will post all photos taken there in future.
Happy downloading!
Sabby's Album - http://auntyalbum.blogspot.com/
Tell you a secret..it's only after creating the new blog then i found out this is my 100th post! hehe..
I will post all photos taken there in future.
Happy downloading!
Drifting around..Lost in my sea of thoughts..
I've been a bit of a loner all my life. Always wanting some quiet time on my own. Given a choice i would rather daze and think about things than to sit around with someone at chat. Yet at times i feel lonely and crave for some company, even though i don't feel like talking. Guess my mood swings must be very obvious to the two people (dor and uncle) who's been so supportive and been around me enough. I've been lost in my thoughts and sulking, pretentiously happy or even just normal and just following people around.
It's like i'm in my head, watching the TV which is showing the things happening around me. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing, there are just episodes of a few dramas. Sometimes the lead actress is bubbly and sociable. Sometimes the actress is weak and feeling self pity. Sometimes it's slow moving and sometimes too fast to remember. It's weird. I'm going crazy. At least i'm sane enough to worry about it.
I actually like being alone by myself. When i asked myself if i should ask uncle, the choice was clear. So i went through the same routine as last Saturday. This time the feeling is different. i actually quite look forward to doing it and enjoyed it very much. The exactly same locations. I found the same bench, i was at last week, empty and sat down. I was a little disappointed this time coz there weren't so many people around camping or otherwise. Also there wasn't a convoy of mitsubishi cars accompanying me on the drive towards changi beach. It was fun then coz they were trying so hard to keep in a line. They were even a little offended when i cut their line (not by choice, construction obstacles ahead & merging lanes). The way they moved in line as a group was rather cool.
I even went to marina south again, this time i sat down to play some old arcade games i've not played in a long time. Streetfighter gems thingy and photohunt. I failed in photohunt coz too many pictures of scantily dressed women and i'm too paiseh to look at certain places.. ah hmph..and somehow all the mixmatches were around those ah herm..places.. Saw TPs around and luckily for me, i was going at 40km/h.
I was sharing with uncle this morning, how i'm always feeling the emotion bursting out and making me feel like crying. Too many times i think. When a starbucks personel talked so passionately about the voluntary work they're doing. When i shared about the experience, my vp thought i was about to cry coz i was so moved. I was puzzled this past week about it. Finally i saw this hongkong drama and the character was sharing about how shitty her life was, and the tears came pouring down. I'm so tired and drained. After 3 weeks and 2days, i'm still so hung up about it. It's past my deadline of mourning. Have you ever experience that too? Well, i guess i will have to extend it's visa stay to 4 weeks.
Last night, i finally went for my first confession! I wanted so much to give it a skip but then now i'm glad i went. It was rather simple and nothing scary. Father Gerald was very fatherly, i had no qualms about sharing a few of my biggest sins. Since the baptism, i've been rather lack of mortal or other big sins. Just really commons ones and i was asked a few questions and given some advices by him. They are still in my mind cause they are really helpful. Well, confirmation will be next Sunday at IHM. Rather short notice and so few classes. It suits me fine coz i've problem comitting time when work starts again.
Anyway, i so look forward to watching Fantastic4 tonight with dor, uncle and ber. hee.. the Fantastic 4(the 4 of us) watching Fantastic 4..hhaaa.. such coincidentally that there are 4 of us watching. Dor and Uncle surprised that i asked ber. Well simple coz i've been asking ber a few times but she wasn't interested or busy. I knew somehow she would like to watch movie so asked lor. Didn't ask the rest? coz they are busy with their things lor and mostly couples so eh..so not really ready yet lah. Just singles night out k.
Also, Yvonne asked me along for the dog run with her. Wah i like leh! 50mins of jogging through rough grounds and then pay $20 to get light snacks and free flow of beer! Cool and get to be in the company of dogs (and of coz people also lah hee..)! So that's another things i look forward to. Heard about it from bala (non-dog owner) and been so hooked on it but then paiseh to join coz the main dog owner (Yvonne) did not asking mah. hee...
Aiya..my mind really messed up as you can see from my post. So many things, such highs and lows. Hope for a better tomorrow then..
It's like i'm in my head, watching the TV which is showing the things happening around me. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing, there are just episodes of a few dramas. Sometimes the lead actress is bubbly and sociable. Sometimes the actress is weak and feeling self pity. Sometimes it's slow moving and sometimes too fast to remember. It's weird. I'm going crazy. At least i'm sane enough to worry about it.
I actually like being alone by myself. When i asked myself if i should ask uncle, the choice was clear. So i went through the same routine as last Saturday. This time the feeling is different. i actually quite look forward to doing it and enjoyed it very much. The exactly same locations. I found the same bench, i was at last week, empty and sat down. I was a little disappointed this time coz there weren't so many people around camping or otherwise. Also there wasn't a convoy of mitsubishi cars accompanying me on the drive towards changi beach. It was fun then coz they were trying so hard to keep in a line. They were even a little offended when i cut their line (not by choice, construction obstacles ahead & merging lanes). The way they moved in line as a group was rather cool.
I even went to marina south again, this time i sat down to play some old arcade games i've not played in a long time. Streetfighter gems thingy and photohunt. I failed in photohunt coz too many pictures of scantily dressed women and i'm too paiseh to look at certain places.. ah hmph..and somehow all the mixmatches were around those ah herm..places.. Saw TPs around and luckily for me, i was going at 40km/h.
I was sharing with uncle this morning, how i'm always feeling the emotion bursting out and making me feel like crying. Too many times i think. When a starbucks personel talked so passionately about the voluntary work they're doing. When i shared about the experience, my vp thought i was about to cry coz i was so moved. I was puzzled this past week about it. Finally i saw this hongkong drama and the character was sharing about how shitty her life was, and the tears came pouring down. I'm so tired and drained. After 3 weeks and 2days, i'm still so hung up about it. It's past my deadline of mourning. Have you ever experience that too? Well, i guess i will have to extend it's visa stay to 4 weeks.
Last night, i finally went for my first confession! I wanted so much to give it a skip but then now i'm glad i went. It was rather simple and nothing scary. Father Gerald was very fatherly, i had no qualms about sharing a few of my biggest sins. Since the baptism, i've been rather lack of mortal or other big sins. Just really commons ones and i was asked a few questions and given some advices by him. They are still in my mind cause they are really helpful. Well, confirmation will be next Sunday at IHM. Rather short notice and so few classes. It suits me fine coz i've problem comitting time when work starts again.
Anyway, i so look forward to watching Fantastic4 tonight with dor, uncle and ber. hee.. the Fantastic 4(the 4 of us) watching Fantastic 4..hhaaa.. such coincidentally that there are 4 of us watching. Dor and Uncle surprised that i asked ber. Well simple coz i've been asking ber a few times but she wasn't interested or busy. I knew somehow she would like to watch movie so asked lor. Didn't ask the rest? coz they are busy with their things lor and mostly couples so eh..so not really ready yet lah. Just singles night out k.
Also, Yvonne asked me along for the dog run with her. Wah i like leh! 50mins of jogging through rough grounds and then pay $20 to get light snacks and free flow of beer! Cool and get to be in the company of dogs (and of coz people also lah hee..)! So that's another things i look forward to. Heard about it from bala (non-dog owner) and been so hooked on it but then paiseh to join coz the main dog owner (Yvonne) did not asking mah. hee...
Aiya..my mind really messed up as you can see from my post. So many things, such highs and lows. Hope for a better tomorrow then..
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
A seemly endless cycle of Pain
Yes..it does feel like that..every few days the cycle starts again..just when i'm feeling stronger, the pain gets to me again..especially on sunday... i think it's him, it has to be him. i wasn't even looking out for him..i'm surprised i even noticed. Coz' i've been in a world of my own lately and i dun even pay attention to the vehicles or people around me anymore...something must have called out to me to look as it flashed by...the memory still replaying itself in my mind sometimes..
Sunday..i just finished mass at holy trinity in tampines, i'm not there by choice, i'm there coz i'm late and that's the only church reachable for the latest morning mass. i'm about to turn right at the junction to head to tampines mall to meet my mum...i was just drowing in my sorrow listening to the songs on the radio and staring blankly infront of me..when i suddenly noticed this black suzuki motorbike passing by from the right. It must be that it's a familar silhouette that drawn my eyes to it..that familar helmet..familar clothing, familar build.. all accompanied by a female companion..he was turning back to chat..and they were chatting happily..the girl..slender average height..normal clothings..nothing loud..i wasn't even paying attention to her.. i was just checking out to make sure it's him...
at that split second, i was too shocked and then i was thinking i'm not surprised that he's back or that he's with another gal. i was still telling myself, good for him, good luck to the gal. i don't give a damn about it. yet after driving to the next junction, i lost my cool. My heart was shrivelling up. It was so painful. I started to wonder if i should turn back and chase them down just to confirm and maybe even confront him. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mum was waiting for me, and that left me no choice. I smsed uncle and headed there. So i had to, within that few mintues, collect my thoughts, put up a happy face and deal with it. I was composed by the time i parked my car.
I lost my appetite that day, i've not had breakfast and yet i didn't feel like eating at all, my body just couldn't take it. My mum realised too. So as i started sipping the bandung she bought, i spilled it all out to her. She finally gave me the 'told you so' tone and gave me a bashing-him speech. But then it didn't help, so as i remained silent and deep in my own world organising my feelings. She finally gave me this one liner, 'call him up and scold him for doing this to me'. i was stunned, coz that's my inner most feeling of wanting it answered, and yet i didn't even consider calling him at all. Well, coz of two reasons, (1)he will not answer (2) he will hang up once i start raising my voice. That i know well of him, he's so predictable in that area. So i told my mum exactly that and said there's no point in doing that even if the above 2 things didn't happen. But i needed to sort out my feelings still...
She said somethings that made me recall all the bad stuff about him. Recalled all the little things which i've brushed aside, afraid of being oversensitive. Guess now i wasn't being oversensitive, they were for real and i was just being labelled for too long and now trained to think so. A lot of things didn't fit the puzzle, guess they were all a pack of lies. White or not white, they were lies. I am finally starting to see the real ugly side of him and yes, i've always blinded. as always, happiness and love makes me blind all the time. The shower of love and attention which he'd given me, helped to darken the glasses more, til i couldn't see all the things he's been doing.
At times like this, when i recall all the bad stuff, i'm glad it has ended or else i will be dragged down by him and even played a fool longer and drown myself in a messed-up tangle of law-related problems created by him. Even right now, the only strand of link left between us is the bike installment contract. As long as he doesn't do anything funny, i've no fear, as i know that the bike shop can procure his bike if he messes up on the installment. Also, they can bring charges against him. That's provided, he's still in singapore. If he takes his bike out of the country or even changes his bike license plate illegally, it will be me down in the gallows.
Yes, again history repeats itself. Him, me and the vehicle link. That may be my use to him. But, i must thank him for the lesson learnt. I used to think that between couples, especially when they're earning equal pay, it's okay to share the financial load. Now i'm convinced that it important for women to keep what they have to themselves, particularly if they are earning more than their spouse! Never commit to any contract unless it's beneficial to you. That means where you earn a share of the asset. NEVER put yourself in a position, like me, where you can get into trouble. REGARDLESS of how much trust you have in the person.
Sunday..i just finished mass at holy trinity in tampines, i'm not there by choice, i'm there coz i'm late and that's the only church reachable for the latest morning mass. i'm about to turn right at the junction to head to tampines mall to meet my mum...i was just drowing in my sorrow listening to the songs on the radio and staring blankly infront of me..when i suddenly noticed this black suzuki motorbike passing by from the right. It must be that it's a familar silhouette that drawn my eyes to it..that familar helmet..familar clothing, familar build.. all accompanied by a female companion..he was turning back to chat..and they were chatting happily..the girl..slender average height..normal clothings..nothing loud..i wasn't even paying attention to her.. i was just checking out to make sure it's him...
at that split second, i was too shocked and then i was thinking i'm not surprised that he's back or that he's with another gal. i was still telling myself, good for him, good luck to the gal. i don't give a damn about it. yet after driving to the next junction, i lost my cool. My heart was shrivelling up. It was so painful. I started to wonder if i should turn back and chase them down just to confirm and maybe even confront him. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mum was waiting for me, and that left me no choice. I smsed uncle and headed there. So i had to, within that few mintues, collect my thoughts, put up a happy face and deal with it. I was composed by the time i parked my car.
I lost my appetite that day, i've not had breakfast and yet i didn't feel like eating at all, my body just couldn't take it. My mum realised too. So as i started sipping the bandung she bought, i spilled it all out to her. She finally gave me the 'told you so' tone and gave me a bashing-him speech. But then it didn't help, so as i remained silent and deep in my own world organising my feelings. She finally gave me this one liner, 'call him up and scold him for doing this to me'. i was stunned, coz that's my inner most feeling of wanting it answered, and yet i didn't even consider calling him at all. Well, coz of two reasons, (1)he will not answer (2) he will hang up once i start raising my voice. That i know well of him, he's so predictable in that area. So i told my mum exactly that and said there's no point in doing that even if the above 2 things didn't happen. But i needed to sort out my feelings still...
She said somethings that made me recall all the bad stuff about him. Recalled all the little things which i've brushed aside, afraid of being oversensitive. Guess now i wasn't being oversensitive, they were for real and i was just being labelled for too long and now trained to think so. A lot of things didn't fit the puzzle, guess they were all a pack of lies. White or not white, they were lies. I am finally starting to see the real ugly side of him and yes, i've always blinded. as always, happiness and love makes me blind all the time. The shower of love and attention which he'd given me, helped to darken the glasses more, til i couldn't see all the things he's been doing.
At times like this, when i recall all the bad stuff, i'm glad it has ended or else i will be dragged down by him and even played a fool longer and drown myself in a messed-up tangle of law-related problems created by him. Even right now, the only strand of link left between us is the bike installment contract. As long as he doesn't do anything funny, i've no fear, as i know that the bike shop can procure his bike if he messes up on the installment. Also, they can bring charges against him. That's provided, he's still in singapore. If he takes his bike out of the country or even changes his bike license plate illegally, it will be me down in the gallows.
Yes, again history repeats itself. Him, me and the vehicle link. That may be my use to him. But, i must thank him for the lesson learnt. I used to think that between couples, especially when they're earning equal pay, it's okay to share the financial load. Now i'm convinced that it important for women to keep what they have to themselves, particularly if they are earning more than their spouse! Never commit to any contract unless it's beneficial to you. That means where you earn a share of the asset. NEVER put yourself in a position, like me, where you can get into trouble. REGARDLESS of how much trust you have in the person.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
THE email
"plz cancel the reservation for genting.because my work schedule had been
extended.
i am not able to return in time.
I am feeling very unhappy, about myself and about us.
i know you would have loads to say.
it's not that we are not working hard,we are working extra hard,but it's
not working out.
my heart just cant take the stresses,i dont want to see us fighting till
the end.
cause we're best of friends,
let's take a different path,
i guess we both know,
and i hate to admit,
(cause we're putting effort to keep this working)
that we have very different characters
and we'reclashing on every possible thing that can be clashed.
we've tried to work out the differences each time,
but we clash repeatedly again.i know you cannot tolerate my nonsense.
but i have always remained true to you,
i know i didnt say this enough,
but i have alwaysloved you and worry about you ALL the time."
All by myself...
Today, I've experienced a few firsts...First time I'm attending a gala dinner on official business.. we won a prize.. and i was there with my bosses to collect the prizes.. well i won't appear on papers coz i didn't go up the stage to take the prize from the VIP.. but i'm happy and proud of the work i've done..coz at least our mp noticed and sort of came over to congratulate us and i'm thankful my boss mentioned me that it's my work.. hee.. i was even asked by another person to share how i did it.. great... fixed script on my mind just rolling out.. not bad lah..
I couldn't go home after that.. i just didn't feel like going home... i needed to be out.. so i drove aimlessly...somehow i got myself onto the TPE and somehow decided to stop by changi beach to go to the washroom..and somehow i decided to sit down on an empty bench while i was walking back to the car... my first time sitting at a beach alone at night..reflecting.. i'm thankful one person was awake and willing to listen to my pain.. my sorrow....uncle has been a great support..so there i was dressed for the dinner and sitting at the beach.. facing the sea...while a hell lot of ppl (mainly malays) were having fun camping..
Somehow i needed time to reflect on my own..i've not been giving it time.. i've been trying to be brave.. putting up a strong facade for ppl around me.. the time in bintan (with dor...who's been a great friend..who actually took leave to accompany me to a sunny island to swim..though i didn't swim much) has shown me how i needed time to deal with my feelings.. even with all the noises around me.. it was peaceful.. after a long period of thunder and lightning ..i decided to go for another drive..
this time.. i broke down crying.. screaming.. why...screaming as if he's listening to me.. "why do this to me.. why can't you wait for me..why can't you just remind me...why can't you just give me a chance.. why why..i'm so hurt.. why can't u just remind me.. i love you so much so much... it hurts me so much so much... i know i'm wrong now.. but i can't do anything!!! it's gone.. it's all gone!! nothing can be done anymore!! nothing can change now!!..." i couldn't stop crying...
screaming helped.. i calmed down by the time i reached AYE.. i detoured to marina square.. another first time.. my first time walking around there looking at people bowl.. (well..another toilet break).. changed $2 worth of coins to play TimeCrisis2.. something i've always played with all my ex-boyfriends..all the while..uncle was smsing me .. words of encouragement.. advices... sharing her experiences.. which all gave me some sort of peace.. I realised that i've learnt my lessons.. i'm truely sorry.. i've also managed to do things by myself... i do not need anyone to accompany me and yet i can have fun.. this itself made me stronger inside..but i'm very hurt still.. so painful.. God, take this pain away..take all the memories away..turn back the time.. but i know i can't..
I couldn't go home after that.. i just didn't feel like going home... i needed to be out.. so i drove aimlessly...somehow i got myself onto the TPE and somehow decided to stop by changi beach to go to the washroom..and somehow i decided to sit down on an empty bench while i was walking back to the car... my first time sitting at a beach alone at night..reflecting.. i'm thankful one person was awake and willing to listen to my pain.. my sorrow....uncle has been a great support..so there i was dressed for the dinner and sitting at the beach.. facing the sea...while a hell lot of ppl (mainly malays) were having fun camping..
Somehow i needed time to reflect on my own..i've not been giving it time.. i've been trying to be brave.. putting up a strong facade for ppl around me.. the time in bintan (with dor...who's been a great friend..who actually took leave to accompany me to a sunny island to swim..though i didn't swim much) has shown me how i needed time to deal with my feelings.. even with all the noises around me.. it was peaceful.. after a long period of thunder and lightning ..i decided to go for another drive..
this time.. i broke down crying.. screaming.. why...screaming as if he's listening to me.. "why do this to me.. why can't you wait for me..why can't you just remind me...why can't you just give me a chance.. why why..i'm so hurt.. why can't u just remind me.. i love you so much so much... it hurts me so much so much... i know i'm wrong now.. but i can't do anything!!! it's gone.. it's all gone!! nothing can be done anymore!! nothing can change now!!..." i couldn't stop crying...
screaming helped.. i calmed down by the time i reached AYE.. i detoured to marina square.. another first time.. my first time walking around there looking at people bowl.. (well..another toilet break).. changed $2 worth of coins to play TimeCrisis2.. something i've always played with all my ex-boyfriends..all the while..uncle was smsing me .. words of encouragement.. advices... sharing her experiences.. which all gave me some sort of peace.. I realised that i've learnt my lessons.. i'm truely sorry.. i've also managed to do things by myself... i do not need anyone to accompany me and yet i can have fun.. this itself made me stronger inside..but i'm very hurt still.. so painful.. God, take this pain away..take all the memories away..turn back the time.. but i know i can't..
Saturday, June 16, 2007
It has been 2.....
....Weeks and 2 days since he emailed me that sad, sad news. I'm living a day at a time. I drag going to bed. I tend to dream that we're still okay or happy in the dreams. I don't want that. I want to face reality. I want to remind myself that it is ended. I've not been able to sleep properly since that day. Maybe I'm constantly reminding myself, or that I'm constantly sad when I remember the good times.
I accidentally chance upon an old post of mine about him. It hurts to read about how good he was to me. To read about how much effort he has put in to make things work. I know his flaws and I know he has been hiding information from me. I can't help remembering the good parts also. That has been the niciest person on Earth to me. He's pampered me so much that I've become a really spoilt brat. He commented that himself. I'm also aware. I also know how much effort he's put in to make things work at home regarding his mum and me. He's always trying his best to stop his mum from conversing too much with me incase of misunderstanding or irritation from living in the same household.
The amount of time and money he's put into calling me daily and talking to me for long periods of time even though he's overseas. He never fail to call when he's back in the hotel after work and dinner. He's always asking "How was your day?", even though i should be the one asking him. All i can say is that i've failed terribly as a girlfriend or fiancee. I've not been supportive and i took it all for granted. I've not been giving him the support, care and concern that he's been looking for.
All I'm trying to do now is to set a daily goal. To finish work, to daze in front of the TV, disappear in my story book, or to do other activities like shopping or out with friends to occupy my mind. Even that is hard to do. Coz every tiny little thing reminds me of him.. of what things would be like if he was around... how he would take care of things and of me.. He would always ask me what i wanted to do, to eat, everything.. he would just follow cause he wants me to be happy...he would make silly comments that are like endearments to me..
Whenever i doubted him, he would call me silly gal and say he wanna 'piak' my bottoms for thinking silly thoughts. He would never fail to comment on my leaving the bottommost part of my drink there, he would say "dirty ah?" and then drink for me. Passing by the japanese lang book section of kinokuniya reminded of the times we spent there looking for cheap and useful book which he can use to brush up his jap. It's those tiny little things..yet so much..
I even forgotten to bring back my two hamsters..think it's even subconcious coz I will miss him even more coz he adored those hamsters.. he handled them so tenderly as if they would break...he played guitar for them whenever i was in the bathroom...he was so excited and proud that the hamsters actually liked him playing music for them.. he was the one who was so worried about boiboi's death when his mum told him and he thought real hard about ways to break it to me...he wait til he was back before he broke the news to me..he wanted to be there physically for me when i'm told... he wanted to sayang me when i'm sad...
With all these thoughts that come up ever now and then, it's hard and i'm struggling to remind myself it's over. I have to remind myself of his flaws.. to remind myself he is bad for me.. he won't be a good husband.. he's not meant for me.. it's a struggle.. a tough struggle..
I accidentally chance upon an old post of mine about him. It hurts to read about how good he was to me. To read about how much effort he has put in to make things work. I know his flaws and I know he has been hiding information from me. I can't help remembering the good parts also. That has been the niciest person on Earth to me. He's pampered me so much that I've become a really spoilt brat. He commented that himself. I'm also aware. I also know how much effort he's put in to make things work at home regarding his mum and me. He's always trying his best to stop his mum from conversing too much with me incase of misunderstanding or irritation from living in the same household.
The amount of time and money he's put into calling me daily and talking to me for long periods of time even though he's overseas. He never fail to call when he's back in the hotel after work and dinner. He's always asking "How was your day?", even though i should be the one asking him. All i can say is that i've failed terribly as a girlfriend or fiancee. I've not been supportive and i took it all for granted. I've not been giving him the support, care and concern that he's been looking for.
All I'm trying to do now is to set a daily goal. To finish work, to daze in front of the TV, disappear in my story book, or to do other activities like shopping or out with friends to occupy my mind. Even that is hard to do. Coz every tiny little thing reminds me of him.. of what things would be like if he was around... how he would take care of things and of me.. He would always ask me what i wanted to do, to eat, everything.. he would just follow cause he wants me to be happy...he would make silly comments that are like endearments to me..
Whenever i doubted him, he would call me silly gal and say he wanna 'piak' my bottoms for thinking silly thoughts. He would never fail to comment on my leaving the bottommost part of my drink there, he would say "dirty ah?" and then drink for me. Passing by the japanese lang book section of kinokuniya reminded of the times we spent there looking for cheap and useful book which he can use to brush up his jap. It's those tiny little things..yet so much..
I even forgotten to bring back my two hamsters..think it's even subconcious coz I will miss him even more coz he adored those hamsters.. he handled them so tenderly as if they would break...he played guitar for them whenever i was in the bathroom...he was so excited and proud that the hamsters actually liked him playing music for them.. he was the one who was so worried about boiboi's death when his mum told him and he thought real hard about ways to break it to me...he wait til he was back before he broke the news to me..he wanted to be there physically for me when i'm told... he wanted to sayang me when i'm sad...
With all these thoughts that come up ever now and then, it's hard and i'm struggling to remind myself it's over. I have to remind myself of his flaws.. to remind myself he is bad for me.. he won't be a good husband.. he's not meant for me.. it's a struggle.. a tough struggle..
Monday, June 11, 2007
The end has come..
It's officially over between the both of us. We've had too many arguments and too many heart-breaking quarrels and it's finally the end. For the records, he broke up with me over a simple email. A very emotionless email. A very hurting and heart breaking email.
Ended is the endless amount of affection, care and concern i was showered with all these while. Ended is the uncomplainted and endless amount of massages and indulgence I've gotten. Silly of me to notice only when it's all gone. Silly of me to care only when it's all gone.....................................................
Ended is the endless amount of affection, care and concern i was showered with all these while. Ended is the uncomplainted and endless amount of massages and indulgence I've gotten. Silly of me to notice only when it's all gone. Silly of me to care only when it's all gone.....................................................