Yes..it does feel like that..every few days the cycle starts again..just when i'm feeling stronger, the pain gets to me again..especially on sunday... i think it's him, it has to be him. i wasn't even looking out for him..i'm surprised i even noticed. Coz' i've been in a world of my own lately and i dun even pay attention to the vehicles or people around me anymore...something must have called out to me to look as it flashed by...the memory still replaying itself in my mind sometimes..
Sunday..i just finished mass at holy trinity in tampines, i'm not there by choice, i'm there coz i'm late and that's the only church reachable for the latest morning mass. i'm about to turn right at the junction to head to tampines mall to meet my mum...i was just drowing in my sorrow listening to the songs on the radio and staring blankly infront of me..when i suddenly noticed this black suzuki motorbike passing by from the right. It must be that it's a familar silhouette that drawn my eyes to it..that familar helmet..familar clothing, familar build.. all accompanied by a female companion..he was turning back to chat..and they were chatting happily..the girl..slender average height..normal clothings..nothing loud..i wasn't even paying attention to her.. i was just checking out to make sure it's him...
at that split second, i was too shocked and then i was thinking i'm not surprised that he's back or that he's with another gal. i was still telling myself, good for him, good luck to the gal. i don't give a damn about it. yet after driving to the next junction, i lost my cool. My heart was shrivelling up. It was so painful. I started to wonder if i should turn back and chase them down just to confirm and maybe even confront him. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mum was waiting for me, and that left me no choice. I smsed uncle and headed there. So i had to, within that few mintues, collect my thoughts, put up a happy face and deal with it. I was composed by the time i parked my car.
I lost my appetite that day, i've not had breakfast and yet i didn't feel like eating at all, my body just couldn't take it. My mum realised too. So as i started sipping the bandung she bought, i spilled it all out to her. She finally gave me the 'told you so' tone and gave me a bashing-him speech. But then it didn't help, so as i remained silent and deep in my own world organising my feelings. She finally gave me this one liner, 'call him up and scold him for doing this to me'. i was stunned, coz that's my inner most feeling of wanting it answered, and yet i didn't even consider calling him at all. Well, coz of two reasons, (1)he will not answer (2) he will hang up once i start raising my voice. That i know well of him, he's so predictable in that area. So i told my mum exactly that and said there's no point in doing that even if the above 2 things didn't happen. But i needed to sort out my feelings still...
She said somethings that made me recall all the bad stuff about him. Recalled all the little things which i've brushed aside, afraid of being oversensitive. Guess now i wasn't being oversensitive, they were for real and i was just being labelled for too long and now trained to think so. A lot of things didn't fit the puzzle, guess they were all a pack of lies. White or not white, they were lies. I am finally starting to see the real ugly side of him and yes, i've always blinded. as always, happiness and love makes me blind all the time. The shower of love and attention which he'd given me, helped to darken the glasses more, til i couldn't see all the things he's been doing.
At times like this, when i recall all the bad stuff, i'm glad it has ended or else i will be dragged down by him and even played a fool longer and drown myself in a messed-up tangle of law-related problems created by him. Even right now, the only strand of link left between us is the bike installment contract. As long as he doesn't do anything funny, i've no fear, as i know that the bike shop can procure his bike if he messes up on the installment. Also, they can bring charges against him. That's provided, he's still in singapore. If he takes his bike out of the country or even changes his bike license plate illegally, it will be me down in the gallows.
Yes, again history repeats itself. Him, me and the vehicle link. That may be my use to him. But, i must thank him for the lesson learnt. I used to think that between couples, especially when they're earning equal pay, it's okay to share the financial load. Now i'm convinced that it important for women to keep what they have to themselves, particularly if they are earning more than their spouse! Never commit to any contract unless it's beneficial to you. That means where you earn a share of the asset. NEVER put yourself in a position, like me, where you can get into trouble. REGARDLESS of how much trust you have in the person.
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