Yup. That's what i've been doing. Since school started, i've been driving aimlessly even more often. Infact, everyday (well, it's been only 4 days since school reopened). Even when i met up with uncle for a drink, we drove east towards Fishermen's Village at Pasir Ris. Everytime i will somehow end up driving along that road behind the airport towards Changi Village and back to ECP. Distant driving is nothing to me now. Not much alertness is needed, just dazing and driving.
I'm craving alone time more than ever. I now detest company. Sorry to say, but i even hesitated when uncle asked me out for drink last Wednesday. I've been looking forward to another drive by myself the whole day. That's the same thoughts everyday when i teach. I just look forward to the end of the day, when i'm done with my duties and can daze by myself again. It's scary. I'm starting to be a 'lao chu nu' (old spinster).
I'm feeling much better nowadays. I'm still unable to do much work. It didn't help when i dreamt of him on the first day of school. That's what sparked off the driving after school thingy. Maybe i've been pushing aside thoughts of anything related to him and that i've been trying to erase the memories of him. Also, likely cause the usual half yearly trip didn't happen. My heart maybe saying "Enough of ignorance. I miss him."
We were having the happiest time together. Travelling in Malaysia in a bus. Exploring places as usual. Enjoying each other's company. He took care of me and showed alot of love, care and concern. He still wanted me very much. They are all just dreams. Dreams that made me so wistful. I had to wake up to reality and head to school with those lingering emotions. Thus the driving. It's my way of handling all the feelings bottle up inside.
Another way of handling is shopping, and i've been bursting my credit cards' limits by spending and spending on beautifying stuffs. Clothings, accessories, cosmetics, skin care and shoes. It's just a process but it's scaring me how my mental budget for things have gone up. And i've been wanting to do all the stuffs alone by myself. I don't care for other people's comments or opinions anymore. Scary, right?
If i've not accidentally headed towards Changi Beach again, i would be singing karoke right now by myself too. Well, i did stop by the Shenton Way branch but then it was full til 11pm and i do have to work tomorrow. So, i took that as a sign i should head home and sort of did. Alot of traffic then, so i took many detours to go home. Excuses i think, i was actually passing by a few branches of Party World. I didn't stop and try again. Thought of running to get it out of my system but then was almost 11pm, so i didn't. So i'm home now typing these out.
It's a way of venting out all my frustrations. This is the public version. The private version is in a thin notebook i bought in bintan. My inner most feelings, thoughts all out in that. Thought it would help, but it didn't.
I admit one of the reason why i'm still trying to look good is to hook a good fellow. I do look around and take note of people around me now, but i am disappointed to find most guys i see on the street with a partner or highly possibly gay (cause they are with another good looking guy). The attention i've been getting are from overaged men or the uglies. Even though i'm looking and assessing every guy i see, i'm not ready to start a new relationship. No matter how much i think i should be with one, i can't because i know he would be a rebound. Also, i can't trust any good guy right now. I'm also emotionally unstable and unable to handle a relationship too.
I'm shy also, even if a good fellow do drop on my lap, i would probably play it cool and turn the guy off. Sometimes i get a look from good looking guys but then my low self esteem says that he's just looking at me cause there's something wrong with me (i'm ugly enough for the partner not to mind?? hee..)and that basically guys would look at any women who's alone by herself.
Well, everytime that happens i will look away and act uninterested. I am half hearted lah. Want but then don't want also. How to know the guy is good or not? Well, i have to figure out the way to find out before i can start anything. My judgement of people sucks big time. I'm still a carpet to a lot of people who are good at reading others. They know i'm easy. I help my enemies even after numerious betrayals, fallouts and brushoffs. See, easy right?
It would take a long, long time. Meanwhile i pray for peace and the ability to refocus on work and other aspects of life. Those as mentioned by my two good friends, dor and uncle. Hard work to do that. Still trying to find my feet to stand up again after the bad fall.
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