Today, I've experienced a few firsts...First time I'm attending a gala dinner on official business.. we won a prize.. and i was there with my bosses to collect the prizes.. well i won't appear on papers coz i didn't go up the stage to take the prize from the VIP.. but i'm happy and proud of the work i've done..coz at least our mp noticed and sort of came over to congratulate us and i'm thankful my boss mentioned me that it's my work.. hee.. i was even asked by another person to share how i did it.. great... fixed script on my mind just rolling out.. not bad lah..
I couldn't go home after that.. i just didn't feel like going home... i needed to be out.. so i drove aimlessly...somehow i got myself onto the TPE and somehow decided to stop by changi beach to go to the washroom..and somehow i decided to sit down on an empty bench while i was walking back to the car... my first time sitting at a beach alone at night..reflecting.. i'm thankful one person was awake and willing to listen to my pain.. my sorrow....uncle has been a great support..so there i was dressed for the dinner and sitting at the beach.. facing the sea...while a hell lot of ppl (mainly malays) were having fun camping..
Somehow i needed time to reflect on my own..i've not been giving it time.. i've been trying to be brave.. putting up a strong facade for ppl around me.. the time in bintan (with dor...who's been a great friend..who actually took leave to accompany me to a sunny island to swim..though i didn't swim much) has shown me how i needed time to deal with my feelings.. even with all the noises around me.. it was peaceful.. after a long period of thunder and lightning ..i decided to go for another drive..
this time.. i broke down crying.. screaming.. why...screaming as if he's listening to me.. "why do this to me.. why can't you wait for me..why can't you just remind me...why can't you just give me a chance.. why why..i'm so hurt.. why can't u just remind me.. i love you so much so much... it hurts me so much so much... i know i'm wrong now.. but i can't do anything!!! it's gone.. it's all gone!! nothing can be done anymore!! nothing can change now!!..." i couldn't stop crying...
screaming helped.. i calmed down by the time i reached AYE.. i detoured to marina square.. another first time.. my first time walking around there looking at people bowl.. (well..another toilet break).. changed $2 worth of coins to play TimeCrisis2.. something i've always played with all my ex-boyfriends..all the while..uncle was smsing me .. words of encouragement.. advices... sharing her experiences.. which all gave me some sort of peace.. I realised that i've learnt my lessons.. i'm truely sorry.. i've also managed to do things by myself... i do not need anyone to accompany me and yet i can have fun.. this itself made me stronger inside..but i'm very hurt still.. so painful.. God, take this pain away..take all the memories away..turn back the time.. but i know i can't..
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