....Weeks and 2 days since he emailed me that sad, sad news. I'm living a day at a time. I drag going to bed. I tend to dream that we're still okay or happy in the dreams. I don't want that. I want to face reality. I want to remind myself that it is ended. I've not been able to sleep properly since that day. Maybe I'm constantly reminding myself, or that I'm constantly sad when I remember the good times.
I accidentally chance upon an old post of mine about him. It hurts to read about how good he was to me. To read about how much effort he has put in to make things work. I know his flaws and I know he has been hiding information from me. I can't help remembering the good parts also. That has been the niciest person on Earth to me. He's pampered me so much that I've become a really spoilt brat. He commented that himself. I'm also aware. I also know how much effort he's put in to make things work at home regarding his mum and me. He's always trying his best to stop his mum from conversing too much with me incase of misunderstanding or irritation from living in the same household.
The amount of time and money he's put into calling me daily and talking to me for long periods of time even though he's overseas. He never fail to call when he's back in the hotel after work and dinner. He's always asking "How was your day?", even though i should be the one asking him. All i can say is that i've failed terribly as a girlfriend or fiancee. I've not been supportive and i took it all for granted. I've not been giving him the support, care and concern that he's been looking for.
All I'm trying to do now is to set a daily goal. To finish work, to daze in front of the TV, disappear in my story book, or to do other activities like shopping or out with friends to occupy my mind. Even that is hard to do. Coz every tiny little thing reminds me of him.. of what things would be like if he was around... how he would take care of things and of me.. He would always ask me what i wanted to do, to eat, everything.. he would just follow cause he wants me to be happy...he would make silly comments that are like endearments to me..
Whenever i doubted him, he would call me silly gal and say he wanna 'piak' my bottoms for thinking silly thoughts. He would never fail to comment on my leaving the bottommost part of my drink there, he would say "dirty ah?" and then drink for me. Passing by the japanese lang book section of kinokuniya reminded of the times we spent there looking for cheap and useful book which he can use to brush up his jap. It's those tiny little things..yet so much..
I even forgotten to bring back my two hamsters..think it's even subconcious coz I will miss him even more coz he adored those hamsters.. he handled them so tenderly as if they would break...he played guitar for them whenever i was in the bathroom...he was so excited and proud that the hamsters actually liked him playing music for them.. he was the one who was so worried about boiboi's death when his mum told him and he thought real hard about ways to break it to me...he wait til he was back before he broke the news to me..he wanted to be there physically for me when i'm told... he wanted to sayang me when i'm sad...
With all these thoughts that come up ever now and then, it's hard and i'm struggling to remind myself it's over. I have to remind myself of his flaws.. to remind myself he is bad for me.. he won't be a good husband.. he's not meant for me.. it's a struggle.. a tough struggle..
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