Lost Identify

Warning: It's a negative-filled reflection. You have been warned!



My happiness meter has been so low for so long that I didn't even realise til I saw the korean variety show, 'Infinity Challenge'. For the first time in a long while, I was laughing uncontrollably like a mad woman in a mental institution. Firstly, yes, the variety show is that crazy and great if you desperately need laughter as a medicine. Secondly, yes, I'm mad and think I need to check myself into an asylum because I can't understand what I'm thinking anymore.

Let me get back to the point here. This made me realised that in the midst of conforming to rules at work, for the sake of my appraisal, I've lost myself. My identity. Who I am.

I mean I know I've always been a thinker. Someone who thinks a lot before taking action. Always analyzing things. Taking things seriously at times even when I shouldn't. So I do have my ways to counter it. I do crazy things at times. Of course, nobody appreciates it at all and only the closest kin and friends can even remotely understand it.

However, I've gone down the deep end. I've become even worse. I've lost my ability to laugh at things. I stuck to rules for almost everything. I'm scare of breaking the rules. I freaked out when something goes wrong. I could no longer find humour in things. Any laugher/smile I had were fake.

Well, this is probably should be part of my growth. But it's NOT me! I'm having a metal breakdown because of it. Everyday, I feel this utter urge to break free of my cage. I've been suppressing this feeling because I was oblivious to it. Now, I want out!

I need to find the fun in life. The humor in things happening around me. Laugh and smile simply because I enjoy life..I long for it, crave for it. Now I just have to wait for my time to be done.

Lord, give me strength...and maybe a little humor to within the test of time. :)