Another driving trip now that my car is finally back. I was just craving for it so much since yesterday. I got into such a bad depression that's why the off-track jog yesterday. This time i drove for more than 2 hours non-stop. Went onto PIE towards changi airport, ECP, the road behind Changi Airport again, headed towards East Coast Park, Marina South, Telok Blangah towards Pioneer Road, Jurong, PIE and finally stopped at Mustaffa. The reason i stopped? No where to drive liao and i've not had enough and i needed people around me. Also needed to buy beer. Only to find that muslim shopping mall no beer lah.
I miss him so much so much. I drove past West Coast Park where we went for Ah Hua's BD BBQ celebration. Teared when i recalled the wonderful memories with him. Drove past his rental place in Jurong and teared again remembering how i used to drive all the way there to meet him and fetch him back & fro from to his hougang home. Went to our regular shopping place, Mustaffa, which was the only place open at night as i've things to do every weekday past 9pm.
I couldn't help recalling how he proposed to me in Feburuary when he came back from his first Penang project. He bought me so many things and finally the ring. I couldn't help recall he just bought me a pair of shoes that i wanted from Penang in April. I also couldn't help recall how he cried when i threatened to leave him that morning when he was about to leave for Penang in May. That was also the LAST time i saw him... EVER again....
He was so sad and couldn't bear me to leave. He cried so sadly, so heart-broken. A man actually cried with such pain in his eyes, so much pain. Men don't cry and he does not, yet he cried so badly. It must mean something right? This is the worst i've seen him cried. He couldn't bear to let go of me. He showed me that day how much i mean to him, how important i am to him. He gave me so assurance that day. I decided to give in and accept that he really love me so much. He's for real and that's he's here for the long run. Yet how did it all ended up this way? WHY?? I still can't comprehend. I still can't accept it. I'm so so so so .... SO HURT.
I wanted so much to ask him. I really really want to find out why. I really really want to know how do you go from loving a person so much to wanting to get rid of a person. How do you do that to a person? What made you do that to a person you love? How do you switch so quickly? Why is it like that?? WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? It HURTS so much so much. I can't take it. I really can't take it. I want him back. Yet i know it's all gone and it's hopeless. There's no point.
Last Saturday, I thought i saw him going into 7-11 at hougang. I wanted so much to see if it's really him. Yet i just know somehow there's no point. What can i do? What can i say? NOTHING! Then what's the point in finding out? No point. Yet its so hurting. There's nothing, nothing i can do about it. I'm hurt beyond hurt. I've cried til i've no tears. I'm so frustrated and i just want to die. There's simply no point in living anymore. No point. My heart is so broken. Broken into so many pieces that i don't know how to pick it up again.
Nobody can replace him. Nobody can ever live up to him. Nobody can ever do all the things that he's done. Nobody can ever understand and comfort me like he did. Nobody can ever give me the joy i experienced when i was with him. Nobody can ever, ever make me as happy as i was with him. Nobody can ever love me as much as he did.
Money can't comfort me. Money can't buy me happiness. I've bought all the things i need and all the things that i don't need. Yet it didn't make me happy at all. I can imagine myself buying the Honda Civic and yet feel no happiness at all. I can imagine myself buying a dog and yet i will not be happy. I can go out with friends and do all the wild things again. Yet i know i will not be happy. Infact all those things will make me even more sad. Sad that he's not here to experience it with me. Sad that no matter what i do, there's no happiness if he's not here with me.
2 comments:
i feel really sad tat my friend is hurting so bad. i guess grief must come in many stages b4 we feel better. thr your posting, i feel u r trying to "handle" it, trying to do the right thing, mayb u shouldn't try so hard. i always believe if u need to shed 1 litre or 1 week of tear to get over grief, i'll start sheding today cos if i start tmw, the hurting will last longer. i pray for the day for all your hurting to stop.
What you said pat, makes a hell lot of sense. Yes, now that i reflect on it, I've been handling it. Showing people that i'm okay. I don't wish to burden people with my pain, so i just try to ignore it.
Like i mention before in previous posts, my mind has ignored it so much that i've forgotten that it's over. I've no time also to deal with the grief. I've not been brave enough to deal with the grief too.
Pat, you words of wisdom always come in so handy. Thank you so much.
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