Driving Round & Round

Yup. That's what i've been doing. Since school started, i've been driving aimlessly even more often. Infact, everyday (well, it's been only 4 days since school reopened). Even when i met up with uncle for a drink, we drove east towards Fishermen's Village at Pasir Ris. Everytime i will somehow end up driving along that road behind the airport towards Changi Village and back to ECP. Distant driving is nothing to me now. Not much alertness is needed, just dazing and driving.

I'm craving alone time more than ever. I now detest company. Sorry to say, but i even hesitated when uncle asked me out for drink last Wednesday. I've been looking forward to another drive by myself the whole day. That's the same thoughts everyday when i teach. I just look forward to the end of the day, when i'm done with my duties and can daze by myself again. It's scary. I'm starting to be a 'lao chu nu' (old spinster).

I'm feeling much better nowadays. I'm still unable to do much work. It didn't help when i dreamt of him on the first day of school. That's what sparked off the driving after school thingy. Maybe i've been pushing aside thoughts of anything related to him and that i've been trying to erase the memories of him. Also, likely cause the usual half yearly trip didn't happen. My heart maybe saying "Enough of ignorance. I miss him."

We were having the happiest time together. Travelling in Malaysia in a bus. Exploring places as usual. Enjoying each other's company. He took care of me and showed alot of love, care and concern. He still wanted me very much. They are all just dreams. Dreams that made me so wistful. I had to wake up to reality and head to school with those lingering emotions. Thus the driving. It's my way of handling all the feelings bottle up inside.

Another way of handling is shopping, and i've been bursting my credit cards' limits by spending and spending on beautifying stuffs. Clothings, accessories, cosmetics, skin care and shoes. It's just a process but it's scaring me how my mental budget for things have gone up. And i've been wanting to do all the stuffs alone by myself. I don't care for other people's comments or opinions anymore. Scary, right?

If i've not accidentally headed towards Changi Beach again, i would be singing karoke right now by myself too. Well, i did stop by the Shenton Way branch but then it was full til 11pm and i do have to work tomorrow. So, i took that as a sign i should head home and sort of did. Alot of traffic then, so i took many detours to go home. Excuses i think, i was actually passing by a few branches of Party World. I didn't stop and try again. Thought of running to get it out of my system but then was almost 11pm, so i didn't. So i'm home now typing these out.

It's a way of venting out all my frustrations. This is the public version. The private version is in a thin notebook i bought in bintan. My inner most feelings, thoughts all out in that. Thought it would help, but it didn't.

I admit one of the reason why i'm still trying to look good is to hook a good fellow. I do look around and take note of people around me now, but i am disappointed to find most guys i see on the street with a partner or highly possibly gay (cause they are with another good looking guy). The attention i've been getting are from overaged men or the uglies. Even though i'm looking and assessing every guy i see, i'm not ready to start a new relationship. No matter how much i think i should be with one, i can't because i know he would be a rebound. Also, i can't trust any good guy right now. I'm also emotionally unstable and unable to handle a relationship too.

I'm shy also, even if a good fellow do drop on my lap, i would probably play it cool and turn the guy off. Sometimes i get a look from good looking guys but then my low self esteem says that he's just looking at me cause there's something wrong with me (i'm ugly enough for the partner not to mind?? hee..)and that basically guys would look at any women who's alone by herself.

Well, everytime that happens i will look away and act uninterested. I am half hearted lah. Want but then don't want also. How to know the guy is good or not? Well, i have to figure out the way to find out before i can start anything. My judgement of people sucks big time. I'm still a carpet to a lot of people who are good at reading others. They know i'm easy. I help my enemies even after numerious betrayals, fallouts and brushoffs. See, easy right?

It would take a long, long time. Meanwhile i pray for peace and the ability to refocus on work and other aspects of life. Those as mentioned by my two good friends, dor and uncle. Hard work to do that. Still trying to find my feet to stand up again after the bad fall.

Shape Run 2007

I've just signed up for the Shapes Run 2007. Cause i heard it's a really good deal. The registration is free (as in you use it to subscribe to 6months of their magazine). Also the freebees are really good. Check out the website yourselves. I can't really copy coz of copyright laws lah.

Nike top, nice sports bag and alot of other stuff. See the Gifts&Prizes section.

http://www.shape.com.sg

There's a choice of either 5km or 10km run. Of cause i've chosen the 5km one. Even though it's half-marathon, there are still 10 prizes for the top 10 runners (i'm not aiming lah but just in case hehe..)

You can choose to pay $20 for just the run OR pay $30 for the run and 6mths subscription of the SHAPE magazine (about $5 per issue and the run is free!).

Well, should anybody be interested, let me know, k?

My Love Style

(Taken from carolyn's blog-interesting leh hee..)

Are you Giving or Taking?
You are Taking. In relationships you tend to be more of a taker than a giver. This does not refer specifically to money, but also to less tangible things like your time, your help and your emotional support. You'll be best-matched with someone who's opposite to you in this respect, so look for someone who's a Giver if you want a happy life. You're best matched with a Giver.

Are you Committed or Free?
You are Committed. You have a tendency to seek a relationship that is close, intimate and exclusive. This can be a beautiful thing, but you should avoid making it too clinging or possessive. Committed people like yourself are likely to be happiest with a partner who is also Committed. You're best matched with another Committed person.

Are you a Boss or a Slave?
You are Boss. Your result indicates that you prefer to be the dominant partner in your relationship. The boss role in sex is often a reflection of this position in general life, but there are always exceptions. Some people who are tyrants in the office come home and submit totally to their partners. As a boss, you'll be happiest in a relationship with someone who is your opposite. Every boss needs a slave. You're best matched with a Slave.

Are you Quiet or Exciting?
You are Exciting. You're someone who likes plenty of hustle, bustle and excitement going on around you. Since this might be very trying to a partner who is not so enthused, you'll be better off with someone who's like you. You're best matched with another Exciting person.

Your Love Style is Taking - Committed - Boss - Exciting.
You are likely to be most compatible with someone whose Love Style is Giving - Committed - Slave - Exciting.

Available at http://www.lovemonitor.com/

My 100th Post!!!

To celebrate my 100th Post, I've create a new blog for storing photos that i've taken. The need arises from my purchase of the Sony 8.2mpix camera. I've now whole lot of photos and i do not know how to share or pass it to the respective people.

Sabby's Album - http://auntyalbum.blogspot.com/



Tell you a secret..it's only after creating the new blog then i found out this is my 100th post! hehe..

I will post all photos taken there in future.

Happy downloading!

Drifting around..Lost in my sea of thoughts..

I've been a bit of a loner all my life. Always wanting some quiet time on my own. Given a choice i would rather daze and think about things than to sit around with someone at chat. Yet at times i feel lonely and crave for some company, even though i don't feel like talking. Guess my mood swings must be very obvious to the two people (dor and uncle) who's been so supportive and been around me enough. I've been lost in my thoughts and sulking, pretentiously happy or even just normal and just following people around.

It's like i'm in my head, watching the TV which is showing the things happening around me. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing, there are just episodes of a few dramas. Sometimes the lead actress is bubbly and sociable. Sometimes the actress is weak and feeling self pity. Sometimes it's slow moving and sometimes too fast to remember. It's weird. I'm going crazy. At least i'm sane enough to worry about it.

I actually like being alone by myself. When i asked myself if i should ask uncle, the choice was clear. So i went through the same routine as last Saturday. This time the feeling is different. i actually quite look forward to doing it and enjoyed it very much. The exactly same locations. I found the same bench, i was at last week, empty and sat down. I was a little disappointed this time coz there weren't so many people around camping or otherwise. Also there wasn't a convoy of mitsubishi cars accompanying me on the drive towards changi beach. It was fun then coz they were trying so hard to keep in a line. They were even a little offended when i cut their line (not by choice, construction obstacles ahead & merging lanes). The way they moved in line as a group was rather cool.

I even went to marina south again, this time i sat down to play some old arcade games i've not played in a long time. Streetfighter gems thingy and photohunt. I failed in photohunt coz too many pictures of scantily dressed women and i'm too paiseh to look at certain places.. ah hmph..and somehow all the mixmatches were around those ah herm..places.. Saw TPs around and luckily for me, i was going at 40km/h.

I was sharing with uncle this morning, how i'm always feeling the emotion bursting out and making me feel like crying. Too many times i think. When a starbucks personel talked so passionately about the voluntary work they're doing. When i shared about the experience, my vp thought i was about to cry coz i was so moved. I was puzzled this past week about it. Finally i saw this hongkong drama and the character was sharing about how shitty her life was, and the tears came pouring down. I'm so tired and drained. After 3 weeks and 2days, i'm still so hung up about it. It's past my deadline of mourning. Have you ever experience that too? Well, i guess i will have to extend it's visa stay to 4 weeks.

Last night, i finally went for my first confession! I wanted so much to give it a skip but then now i'm glad i went. It was rather simple and nothing scary. Father Gerald was very fatherly, i had no qualms about sharing a few of my biggest sins. Since the baptism, i've been rather lack of mortal or other big sins. Just really commons ones and i was asked a few questions and given some advices by him. They are still in my mind cause they are really helpful. Well, confirmation will be next Sunday at IHM. Rather short notice and so few classes. It suits me fine coz i've problem comitting time when work starts again.

Anyway, i so look forward to watching Fantastic4 tonight with dor, uncle and ber. hee.. the Fantastic 4(the 4 of us) watching Fantastic 4..hhaaa.. such coincidentally that there are 4 of us watching. Dor and Uncle surprised that i asked ber. Well simple coz i've been asking ber a few times but she wasn't interested or busy. I knew somehow she would like to watch movie so asked lor. Didn't ask the rest? coz they are busy with their things lor and mostly couples so eh..so not really ready yet lah. Just singles night out k.

Also, Yvonne asked me along for the dog run with her. Wah i like leh! 50mins of jogging through rough grounds and then pay $20 to get light snacks and free flow of beer! Cool and get to be in the company of dogs (and of coz people also lah hee..)! So that's another things i look forward to. Heard about it from bala (non-dog owner) and been so hooked on it but then paiseh to join coz the main dog owner (Yvonne) did not asking mah. hee...

Aiya..my mind really messed up as you can see from my post. So many things, such highs and lows. Hope for a better tomorrow then..

A seemly endless cycle of Pain

Yes..it does feel like that..every few days the cycle starts again..just when i'm feeling stronger, the pain gets to me again..especially on sunday... i think it's him, it has to be him. i wasn't even looking out for him..i'm surprised i even noticed. Coz' i've been in a world of my own lately and i dun even pay attention to the vehicles or people around me anymore...something must have called out to me to look as it flashed by...the memory still replaying itself in my mind sometimes..

Sunday..i just finished mass at holy trinity in tampines, i'm not there by choice, i'm there coz i'm late and that's the only church reachable for the latest morning mass. i'm about to turn right at the junction to head to tampines mall to meet my mum...i was just drowing in my sorrow listening to the songs on the radio and staring blankly infront of me..when i suddenly noticed this black suzuki motorbike passing by from the right. It must be that it's a familar silhouette that drawn my eyes to it..that familar helmet..familar clothing, familar build.. all accompanied by a female companion..he was turning back to chat..and they were chatting happily..the girl..slender average height..normal clothings..nothing loud..i wasn't even paying attention to her.. i was just checking out to make sure it's him...

at that split second, i was too shocked and then i was thinking i'm not surprised that he's back or that he's with another gal. i was still telling myself, good for him, good luck to the gal. i don't give a damn about it. yet after driving to the next junction, i lost my cool. My heart was shrivelling up. It was so painful. I started to wonder if i should turn back and chase them down just to confirm and maybe even confront him. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mum was waiting for me, and that left me no choice. I smsed uncle and headed there. So i had to, within that few mintues, collect my thoughts, put up a happy face and deal with it. I was composed by the time i parked my car.

I lost my appetite that day, i've not had breakfast and yet i didn't feel like eating at all, my body just couldn't take it. My mum realised too. So as i started sipping the bandung she bought, i spilled it all out to her. She finally gave me the 'told you so' tone and gave me a bashing-him speech. But then it didn't help, so as i remained silent and deep in my own world organising my feelings. She finally gave me this one liner, 'call him up and scold him for doing this to me'. i was stunned, coz that's my inner most feeling of wanting it answered, and yet i didn't even consider calling him at all. Well, coz of two reasons, (1)he will not answer (2) he will hang up once i start raising my voice. That i know well of him, he's so predictable in that area. So i told my mum exactly that and said there's no point in doing that even if the above 2 things didn't happen. But i needed to sort out my feelings still...

She said somethings that made me recall all the bad stuff about him. Recalled all the little things which i've brushed aside, afraid of being oversensitive. Guess now i wasn't being oversensitive, they were for real and i was just being labelled for too long and now trained to think so. A lot of things didn't fit the puzzle, guess they were all a pack of lies. White or not white, they were lies. I am finally starting to see the real ugly side of him and yes, i've always blinded. as always, happiness and love makes me blind all the time. The shower of love and attention which he'd given me, helped to darken the glasses more, til i couldn't see all the things he's been doing.

At times like this, when i recall all the bad stuff, i'm glad it has ended or else i will be dragged down by him and even played a fool longer and drown myself in a messed-up tangle of law-related problems created by him. Even right now, the only strand of link left between us is the bike installment contract. As long as he doesn't do anything funny, i've no fear, as i know that the bike shop can procure his bike if he messes up on the installment. Also, they can bring charges against him. That's provided, he's still in singapore. If he takes his bike out of the country or even changes his bike license plate illegally, it will be me down in the gallows.

Yes, again history repeats itself. Him, me and the vehicle link. That may be my use to him. But, i must thank him for the lesson learnt. I used to think that between couples, especially when they're earning equal pay, it's okay to share the financial load. Now i'm convinced that it important for women to keep what they have to themselves, particularly if they are earning more than their spouse! Never commit to any contract unless it's beneficial to you. That means where you earn a share of the asset. NEVER put yourself in a position, like me, where you can get into trouble. REGARDLESS of how much trust you have in the person.

THE email

"plz cancel the reservation for genting.because my work schedule had been
extended.
i am not able to return in time.

I am feeling very unhappy, about myself and about us.
i know you would have loads to say.
it's not that we are not working hard,we are working extra hard,but it's
not working out.

my heart just cant take the stresses,i dont want to see us fighting till
the end.
cause we're best of friends,

let's take a different path,
i guess we both know,
and i hate to admit,
(cause we're putting effort to keep this working)

that we have very different characters
and we'reclashing on every possible thing that can be clashed.
we've tried to work out the differences each time,
but we clash repeatedly again.i know you cannot tolerate my nonsense.
but i have always remained true to you,
i know i didnt say this enough,
but i have alwaysloved you and worry about you ALL the time."

All by myself...

Today, I've experienced a few firsts...First time I'm attending a gala dinner on official business.. we won a prize.. and i was there with my bosses to collect the prizes.. well i won't appear on papers coz i didn't go up the stage to take the prize from the VIP.. but i'm happy and proud of the work i've done..coz at least our mp noticed and sort of came over to congratulate us and i'm thankful my boss mentioned me that it's my work.. hee.. i was even asked by another person to share how i did it.. great... fixed script on my mind just rolling out.. not bad lah..

I couldn't go home after that.. i just didn't feel like going home... i needed to be out.. so i drove aimlessly...somehow i got myself onto the TPE and somehow decided to stop by changi beach to go to the washroom..and somehow i decided to sit down on an empty bench while i was walking back to the car... my first time sitting at a beach alone at night..reflecting.. i'm thankful one person was awake and willing to listen to my pain.. my sorrow....uncle has been a great support..so there i was dressed for the dinner and sitting at the beach.. facing the sea...while a hell lot of ppl (mainly malays) were having fun camping..

Somehow i needed time to reflect on my own..i've not been giving it time.. i've been trying to be brave.. putting up a strong facade for ppl around me.. the time in bintan (with dor...who's been a great friend..who actually took leave to accompany me to a sunny island to swim..though i didn't swim much) has shown me how i needed time to deal with my feelings.. even with all the noises around me.. it was peaceful.. after a long period of thunder and lightning ..i decided to go for another drive..

this time.. i broke down crying.. screaming.. why...screaming as if he's listening to me.. "why do this to me.. why can't you wait for me..why can't you just remind me...why can't you just give me a chance.. why why..i'm so hurt.. why can't u just remind me.. i love you so much so much... it hurts me so much so much... i know i'm wrong now.. but i can't do anything!!! it's gone.. it's all gone!! nothing can be done anymore!! nothing can change now!!..." i couldn't stop crying...

screaming helped.. i calmed down by the time i reached AYE.. i detoured to marina square.. another first time.. my first time walking around there looking at people bowl.. (well..another toilet break).. changed $2 worth of coins to play TimeCrisis2.. something i've always played with all my ex-boyfriends..all the while..uncle was smsing me .. words of encouragement.. advices... sharing her experiences.. which all gave me some sort of peace.. I realised that i've learnt my lessons.. i'm truely sorry.. i've also managed to do things by myself... i do not need anyone to accompany me and yet i can have fun.. this itself made me stronger inside..but i'm very hurt still.. so painful.. God, take this pain away..take all the memories away..turn back the time.. but i know i can't..

It has been 2.....

....Weeks and 2 days since he emailed me that sad, sad news. I'm living a day at a time. I drag going to bed. I tend to dream that we're still okay or happy in the dreams. I don't want that. I want to face reality. I want to remind myself that it is ended. I've not been able to sleep properly since that day. Maybe I'm constantly reminding myself, or that I'm constantly sad when I remember the good times.

I accidentally chance upon an old post of mine about him. It hurts to read about how good he was to me. To read about how much effort he has put in to make things work. I know his flaws and I know he has been hiding information from me. I can't help remembering the good parts also. That has been the niciest person on Earth to me. He's pampered me so much that I've become a really spoilt brat. He commented that himself. I'm also aware. I also know how much effort he's put in to make things work at home regarding his mum and me. He's always trying his best to stop his mum from conversing too much with me incase of misunderstanding or irritation from living in the same household.

The amount of time and money he's put into calling me daily and talking to me for long periods of time even though he's overseas. He never fail to call when he's back in the hotel after work and dinner. He's always asking "How was your day?", even though i should be the one asking him. All i can say is that i've failed terribly as a girlfriend or fiancee. I've not been supportive and i took it all for granted. I've not been giving him the support, care and concern that he's been looking for.

All I'm trying to do now is to set a daily goal. To finish work, to daze in front of the TV, disappear in my story book, or to do other activities like shopping or out with friends to occupy my mind. Even that is hard to do. Coz every tiny little thing reminds me of him.. of what things would be like if he was around... how he would take care of things and of me.. He would always ask me what i wanted to do, to eat, everything.. he would just follow cause he wants me to be happy...he would make silly comments that are like endearments to me..

Whenever i doubted him, he would call me silly gal and say he wanna 'piak' my bottoms for thinking silly thoughts. He would never fail to comment on my leaving the bottommost part of my drink there, he would say "dirty ah?" and then drink for me. Passing by the japanese lang book section of kinokuniya reminded of the times we spent there looking for cheap and useful book which he can use to brush up his jap. It's those tiny little things..yet so much..

I even forgotten to bring back my two hamsters..think it's even subconcious coz I will miss him even more coz he adored those hamsters.. he handled them so tenderly as if they would break...he played guitar for them whenever i was in the bathroom...he was so excited and proud that the hamsters actually liked him playing music for them.. he was the one who was so worried about boiboi's death when his mum told him and he thought real hard about ways to break it to me...he wait til he was back before he broke the news to me..he wanted to be there physically for me when i'm told... he wanted to sayang me when i'm sad...

With all these thoughts that come up ever now and then, it's hard and i'm struggling to remind myself it's over. I have to remind myself of his flaws.. to remind myself he is bad for me.. he won't be a good husband.. he's not meant for me.. it's a struggle.. a tough struggle..

The end has come..

It's officially over between the both of us. We've had too many arguments and too many heart-breaking quarrels and it's finally the end. For the records, he broke up with me over a simple email. A very emotionless email. A very hurting and heart breaking email.

Ended is the endless amount of affection, care and concern i was showered with all these while. Ended is the uncomplainted and endless amount of massages and indulgence I've gotten. Silly of me to notice only when it's all gone. Silly of me to care only when it's all gone.....................................................

Visitations from the Evil One..

I've been experiencing something since Wednesday night, my rcia night. I've been suspecting but then kinda thinking it was my imagination till last night. I realised it's too bloody coincidental to be just coincident! Well, it goes like this...

Wednesday
Okay i can't really remember what exactly was it.. but some insects were hovering around to be noticed by me.. no really attacking me or disturbing me.. but noticed.

Thursday
I came home after shopping with my parents to discover a gigantic cockroach waiting for me behind my dustbin. Why waiting? Coz it wasn't moving and looked like it's dead. When i shifted the dustbin, it didn't even twitch! It definitely can't be dead coz nobody killed it and it's still on it's feet! Asked my mum to kill it of coz.. freakly it didn't run fast enough to escape death.

When i was checking my email, a bug somehow crawled onto my upper arm! Freakish again! How when I've just showered? i didn't even see it get to me at all! Again it was killed.

Friday
I was going to fill my water bottle and was thinking about making Milo or food to eat. Then when i was happily filling my water bottle, i noticed this adult sized lizard standing out in the open on the tabletop next to the stove! It wasn't even moving again! ah! so near me some more!! ah! still freakish about it now that I'm recalling the incident. There goes my appetite and i was even hesitant to go toilet to relieve myself.

Visitation?
Well I've not had so many consecutive encounters with insects ever! So if it's not the evil one trying to warn me from following the Lord, i do not know liao! I kinda can almost count on it to happen again tonight. The visitations from the evil's minors.

Actually i've noticed a lot of flying things like to hover around me and it's been like that for weeks or even a few months liao! & i'm not dirty hor! i shower twice a day k! I wash my hair everyday! so i'm not dirty! So why do insects like to come to me leh? weird.

Thank God, he know what's within my limitation. If it's anything more freaky, i would've dead from heart attack or shock. Thank God he's not allowing worse things to happen to me.

Baptism Troubles..

Haiz.. just found out officially that my baptism starts at 8pm.. going on for at least 3hrs after..thus confirmed i'm not going to make it for jo's wedding dinner.. well..at least i will be there for the church wedding which is most important..

I've been having doubts about going thru with my baptism..coz i keep feeling like i do not have enuff faith thus not worthy to be baptised...all thanks for my godma-to-be, uncle and my godbuddies (catholics from rcia) i'm realising that it's just temptation set out by the devil and i shan't let the devil achieve that.. i will banish that..(i would ask for God's help of coz)

then hor.. i did something implusive.. i've booked round flight to penang to be with james while he's there working during the coming march school holidays.. only after i've booked then i realised i'm gonna miss the 2nd scrutiny of my baptism haiz.. no choice i guess.. heartpain also coz the tickets not cheap ah.. i very 'sim tia' about money related things one lah..as always...hehee...

dor was busy tonite so she couldn't make it for the introduction at my rcia.. but at least i know she will do her best to be there for rest of the events and of coz the most important one.. which is the 7th april night.

Something happened to me last night. I've had a serious panick attack.. trembling uncontrollably and heart was pound so fast & hard that i got freaked out why i was like that.. at first i tot maybe i was hungry so i tried eating..but whole time was trembly so badly i couldn't control most of my movements.. it was scary.. i send out panick sms to my close ones.. namely dor uncle & james.. i was amazed at uncle's response..which was pray to the lord.. wow.. that faith she has gave me hope of overcoming this..then dor sms me a short prayer to banish the evil..

wow.. it was an experience... like dor said.. only notice the stars when it's darkest..so when i was most desperate i saw jesus like a star shinning to lead me back.. it was amazing.. it was one of the times when i got so freaked out.. the blind was like banging away and my hp pouch was like flying around like mad..wah.. the strongest was when i prayed dor's little prayer.. it was such an experience... maybe it was my imagination..but i would like to think that it was the holy spirit fighting for my soul..

Actually there was a sign already that something was wrong with me about an hr before this thing started.. there were like numerous tiny bubbles in my drink (which is normal).. and that sight freaked me out so much (phobic) that i wanted to destroy the drink and run around screaming like crazy (as in freaking out).... i controlled that and all the while thinking i've not had such terrible feeling for a long time liao.. (used to be phobic of those tear-off coupons before i was 10)...so i guess that meant something was wrong with me liao..

anyway...it became better after many prayers.. lord's prayer & rosary..finally it subdued..i thanked my close ones.. and of coz Jesus & Mary (for interceding) for helping me.. Haiz..time to go to that condo to hougang liao..

Seduction Style

wah.. hamster in a ball leh! that's just like my boiboi hamster ..hm... so coincidental hee.. think i've spent too much time getting in the physic of hamster.. haiz... hamster lover.. hamster result
so not true also.. where i got this from? dor's blog har? think so...

Fever..ever..ever...Fever...

Think i caught a bad cold last thursday after play badminton at night. The wind was so strong that i (overweight me!) actually felt like i was about to be blown away. I was really surprised that it felt like that coz i'm not really light lah.. haha.. first time i felt like that i think.. in Singapore lah.. maybe experienced before in Genting or Tasmania but not in Singapore lah..

Well, i woke up with a very bad cold. Sneezing away and nose is like a really bad leaking tap which i'm sure if it's really a water tap, you would've called for a plumber. So i was thinking aiya last working day of the week liao, tahan a while can rest over the weekend (amazing right? i actually didn't think of taking mc, which i should have..read on). So with an endless supply of tissue with me i went on to teach (continuously for about 4 hrs straight) and i realised something was not right when i was sneezing so much i didn't have the chance to lecture. aiya.. then the chills overtook me..

I took 2 temperature and both times showed below 36.7.. (something's wrong right?) by then i was so giddy and my body ached so much (should've known right?) .. all i wanted to do was to sleep.. but my sup said have to get mc..so no choice.. in my giddy dazy mode, i drove to the doc.. to find out that i have to wait about 20 patients before my turn! ah!! kill me kill me!!.. so i decided to abandon my mum (who went along to go pasar malam to buy 'yin liu') to find another clinic..

And then hor at the carpark (coz i was desperate to get to the doc) i took a parking lot thinking i was lucky.. the idiot in front of me who missed the lot decided that it belonged to him coz his daughter signaled the driver who reversed out of the lot. PLUS she had the cheek to confront me after her dad horned away like a mad man! i was feeling unwell and gearing for a fight so i was all up for it! i was like WHAT? WHat made u think the lot has your name on it, man? so finally i asked her what does she want now? she said up to me lor.. obviously i'm not going to move my car so stupid right? then she had that look that says she knew she's lost the case lor.. she dared to say hor.. Some people just have bad attitudes! wah.. pot call kettle black!

Internet Explorer

haiz..dunnoe what happened but my internet explorer is not working anymore.. so sickening.. So i've not choice but to use FireFox.. well blame it on Microsoft for it.. Well it's a bit weird in functions but okay lah..getting used to it now.. Even my TA suggested reformatting aiyo...will be the 2nd or 3rd time..sianz.. think leave it..but think it suggests time to change PC.. i've had it since 2001.. been 6 years liao..should be very worth it oredi..

Btw, i've decided to stay with my first chosen saint's name Genevieve.. why leh? well think it's meant to be coz i've actually was searching for a patron saint on my bd..but i couldn't find..and found the next closest one on 4jan..who's Elizabeth.. also a teacher.. but then as if God willed it, i accidentally discovered St. Genevieve..her life is not as miserable as Elizabeth and also Genevieve sounds a little like the fake middle name my sec. sch. good friend gave.. Giann.. Thus my email address.. u noe.. sab_gian..

Plus i found out that non-catholics can be blessed by the communion ministers as well! Well, that's news to me! coz dor have told me b4 that we have to be blessed by priests. she's partially right also, coz the preference would be priest. But important thing is that it's not they who give Jesus to us, but Jesus himself so any one giving out the body of Christ can bless us in place of that. I hope i got the explaination right.. something like that lah.

I've found out also that the baptism on Holy Saturday is going to start around 7pm & it's for about 3 hours.. which means i will miss jo's Yum Seng.. so...haiz.. I'm so sorry jo.

January Updates

Had a stressful december holiday worrying about work coz of all the unhappiness of things happening.. discovering backstabbing.. betrayal by friends at work and a forgetful & backstabbing boss...

Been busy collating things and organising things. Very glad to be included in a course where all the more 'important' people are going. Things however are viewed differently by closer friends.. they tend to look down upon my ability. Trying all ways and finding all opportunities to put me in difficult position. Finally, i've kinda accepted it and is able to breathe better now as i just view it as working relationship. Realised can't really have true close friends at work. a disappointed indeed.

James has been very nice to me.. constantly at my side supporting me through the first few weeks.. i've been mentally off (his description) and he's managed to cheer me up and at the same time managing his own trouble at work & home. I'm glad he's around.. but right now i'm on my own life supporting system.. coz he's gone to penang, malaysia this time to work.. in a job he's not familiar with.. he's doing electric engr. so he's suffering too..

I've been attending a bible study on Luke & Acts at SFX on TUesdays. This is on top of my on-going RCIA classes on Wednesday. Plus every Wednesday & a few thursdays i've morning courses organised by school. My day's pretty packed. Baptism is getting closer (on JO's Yum Seng Nite) on holy saturday.. 7 Apr.

I've submitted my application form .. Christian name might be Sabrina Genevieve. St Genevieve is the patron saint of my birthdate. She's the patron saint of paris .. I'm not like her.. however i will look upon her life as an inspiration. Dor suggested a saint Catherine who's a patron of teachers .. but i dunnoe if i can change yet, think should be ok.. i will check first then see how. confirm again once i get an answer. At least the name is easier to pronounce :) and a teacher saint whom i can aspire to be.

Now i'm awaiting my priest's call. Very gan cheong. Coz dunnoe what will i be tested on.. Plus there will be 3 scrutiny.. ah dunnoe what it's about oso.. Some of them have been called..but then dun think i should ask oso..maciam cheating in exam hehe.. exciting and anxious..

My poor car has not been bathed for 3 months! It had this super thick layer of dust. SO yesterday after some nagging by mom (& some suaning about the car not being about to talk else would have complained like mad) i've finally gone for a quick carwash at Shell! WOw! I finally could see all my blind spots properly! it's like i was blind but now could see! hehe.. that's how bad it is.. now the interior.. that's another matter.. haha.. i know jo will say aiyo..like rubbish bin ah..so many things clutter the seats..haha...i know i know.. but i'm so used to it being that way.. u noe with my old car..can't change it hiak...

Also i've been having this running nose like forever.. esp the first few days of school. Well i'm very sorry i've missed Tony's Wedding.. I was already sick & then had diahrea that nite. System shut down. Wish i was there though.. so much fun & nice pictures but i wasn't inside.. hm.. Btw Tony looked so Zhang Hui Mei! haha.. so pretty like the fairy from the Nutcracker. Barbie the Ballerina like that.. wow.. COngrats again tony if u see this :)

Okay ending.. Chinese new year is coming.. having a few chances to touch up my skills.. :) first at uncle's place with Dor & shirley last saturday! it was fun! we played so fast! too bad i got tired.. can't go on..else could've another round.. hee.. so hope more to come.. & may it be a good year for everyone!

Feeling sick

Haiz.. feeling sick again. went toilet a few times. Feel like vomitting like that. Hope i didn't get infected with that gastric flu virus thingy.

Feeling drained mentally also, cause of the work. Plus didn't get enuff sleep and things abit rocky. So totally sick.

Wish sometimes God could just take me away now. End the suffering and all. Sometimes wish to just throw everything away and go risk it all and do something different.

But i know i'm not young already. I can't just afford to just quit things. If things do not work out, I will be one of those miserable old unmarried ladies who live a miserable pathetic life.

Guess you can tell i'm feeling really down. Life seems miersable. Time seems to pass so slowly.

Of course, james have a little to do with this as well. Once again, he is uncontactable during his off day. Not the first, won't be the last. He didn't even tell me he's off yesterday. I'm tired of this liao lah.

Hybernation Mode

Just occured to me recently that i've been in "hybernation mode". What? You would probably ask. Well animals go to sleep in the winter so survive the super cold water. They are unconscious during this period of time. I'm like them in that way. I've been drifting about recently. Why leh? My baby went overseas again lor. I'm like waiting for spring to arrive (his arrival in sg) so that i can spring back to life again! chim right? dunnoe why suddenly linked the way i am now to that lor.

He's in Taiwan again. This time kenna "dua" by jap boss. Arrived in Taipei then kenna asked to go Tainan to work. Later on, Tainan factory says he cannot work without a permit(which will only be ready in abt 4 working days). So since he cannot do nothing, he was sent back to Taipei again. The poor thing. Packing and unpacking so many times.

Something different about his trip for me this time is that i do not feel as "gan cheong" as before lor. Maybe my walk with Christ has changed me a little. Or that his "proposal" assured me. Either way i'm amazed at the difference this time round. You don't hear me complaining about him. No more quarrels or arrguement this time. Think must be the work of God.

Got some bad news from work lately. I've got a 'failing' grade finally. Not really fail but just making it. My bosses talked to me about it. Well, can you believe it? i was actually very calm about it! I'm surprised i didn't have any outburst or do anything extreme. Well, i actually did consider it after i absorbed the news but didn't go out and confront my boss lor. Anyway, i just accepted it. I was able to think clearly enough to handle the bad news.

What's even more amazing is that i actually was about to go about my work as if nothing happened! WOW. Given the old me, i would ****ed my bosses and already quit my job liao. Also, will be very rebellious to cause trouble at work and bitch about it non-stop. Making things really ugly. For this alone, i can't thank God enough. Thank God i didn't do any stupid things.

Now, i've been actually been wanting to blog but somehow had no inspiration. However, after attending the Growth seminiar at Risen Christ, I'm want very much to share with everyone. I've also "accidentally" volunteered my service to help them out! haha.. Just a small role, that is to make and scroll the powerpoint slides for the mass on the 1st monday of the month. For now, i'm the OHP operator. hehe.. Show the lyrics OHT lor. Can't wait to meet them tomorrow for a run-through!

Must share another shocker with you. Or should i say it is a shock to me lah. Shirley and Bruce are getting married! Wah! Seems like yesterday i was fetching shirley back and asking her if she's officially dating Bruce and now wah getting married! Somemore earlier than Toni's! haha.. Of course, i must congratulate her lah. God works in mysterious way indeed. Shirley is a good example. Regardless of whichever religion it is, we're all worshipping the same almighty! Allelluia!

ChopChop Update

i disappeared hor coz hor i busy lor. hehe.. okay lah i've mentioned my schedule b4 so go see. plus now sunday morning gotta attend RCIA also with the rest of the catecuments (oopps dunnoe spell correctly or not). Another time consuming item, my tuition, her PSLE is in a month so i've been adding on extra lessons. Haiz.. had two attacks of sore throat within the past month. Then deadlines aplenty to meet this term & worst next term. it's been crazy..

This week happens to be school holidays.. but i've been doing work related things (full day) for 4 days! (Mon, tues, thur & fri) buzier than normal work days.. until i blur didn't realise that i forgot to sent replies to ppl including dor. haha.. only when she sms me again then i saw my reply still hanging there haha..

Things been going fine with my baby.. infact a few nites ago, he just questioned me a few subtle things about children .. then finally asked me if i wanna have his babies formally haha.. so farney.. i was like shocked lah coz asked so formally then plus stupid lah this kind of question also can ask one meh? shouldn't the question be "will you marry me"???

then hor the last night hor, he just told me straight that he's gonna tidy up some things..coz must get ready to shift in a year's time.. i was like oh no..the argument he had with his mother must be about shifting again lah..sian~ hehe.. then this morning i asked him hor he said dunnoe if she wants to shift or not but he's gonna to.. then hor finally said hor "yah lah! plan to marry you then get flat together lah! of coz i meant that when i talked about getting a new place to stay in" hehe...

hm..but the pessimistic or should i say more practically part of me says.. better relax lah..it may not happen...also sometimes ppl do change..so cannot depend on it or expect it to happen.. else will be very disappointed when it doesn't happen on time or at all. .. *beaming* ^_^

Tiring Week

aiyo.. very tired now.. wanna sleep..but so many things to do today.. now got a bit of time..feel like blogging leh..especially after reading wen & xm blog.. inspired haha.. no lah just sian lah.. wanna vent it out here.. tell someone..

well.. baptism of the holy spirit in LISS ..didnt get rested or got any gifts.. abit disappointed..but then it will come later i believe.. had this tuff decision to make coz my RCIA & LISS falls on the same day.. plus both parties insisted on me on going on each side.. more so of the RCIA coordinator lah.. haiz.. finally decided to follow my heart (by God i believe) to go LISS.. but was kinda stress lah.. hee.. Rite of acceptance went well..was so joyful and excited that day.. (last sunday lah).. hehe..

Just arrange with my friend to allow uncle to come my workplace for a mini-roadshow (uncle's term for it) .. but then hor they have to arrange the date and time lah..not yet.. my friend happen to be on MC yest then i answer her phones calls (alot lah ringing away..) then hor i asked this person what was the call about..said mini-roadshow..then hor i paused and wah voice v familiar.."uncle????" haha.. "auntie!!??" haha.. so farney hor.. then hor so 'qiao' yesterday after that.. he saw james hor.. haha.. he was in marine parade to meet an artist for designing his things lah.. wah.. so surprised coz he doesn't noe where's uncle's stall..then hor i found out.. he knows it's somewhere there..but happen to walk pass and see so say hi lor

things been well between us.. well some quarrels.. but he doesn't give up so easily lah.. actually went late to work coz wanted to work things out between us.. hehe.. so touched ah.. so sayang me.. then hor...now found out becoz of his reservist hor.. he doesn't need to travel for the next 2 months yipee!! hehe.. good news indeed..

Now whenever i worry about how things will go, i just have to remember this verse i read.. in my own words lah.. this story about jesus and his disciples on a boat then the sea was so stormy and sky all chaos.. his disciples panicked and tot they gonna die.. but then Jesus just relax lah.. then he finally just told the sky & sea to be calm and they did.. wow..this story always comes to mind when i worry or get 'gan cheogn' haha... coz i just have to noe he will take care of things for me.. no need to ask for help. he just will.. :) jus like my oral duties hehe.. :)